Saturday, October 2, 2010

I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts. Really.

Earlier today, while finishing up my computer desk (I FINALLY got that part that was missing when we bought the damned thing), I got to thinking.

My parents are flawed, but ultimately wonderful people. Both have been pretty accepting of the way I've lived my life, because they've seen so many other kids (friends of mine included- both Pinkie and Greenie got pregnant young as well as a couple of others) screw up royally and I haven't fallen into any of those traps. The only thing I do that pisses either of them off is I'm a total homebody and beyond working, I don't really care much about having a life. I go to movies on occasion, usually alone, and I love hanging out in bookstores. But aside from that? I like reading, watching stuff, and indulging in the various hobbies I've picked up over the years in order to keep myself sane. It makes me happy.

Let's say that I, as I fantasize about nearly constantly, start seeing an older man. I don't think they'd like it too much. I'm not sure why, because hopefully I would find someone that treated me well, unlike these little shits I grew up with that weren't taught to respect women, but I can't imagine it going over well. It's like, "Hi, I'm your daughter in her early twenties, and I'm dating this wonderful guy in his early thirties. Oh, you didn't even know I was into guys? That's probably because I never talked about stuff like that with you. It's awkward. Don't give me that look, it is! Oh, yeah, I'm sure you would've loved to know your daughter was checking out a thirty-six-year-old kiwi at that Flight of the Conchords meet-and-greet! You really wanna have this conversation? Okay! Guess what? I mostly was staring at his ass! Yeah, over other people's heads! The one time being tall actually paid off!"

I can't even bring myself to think about what my dad would say. I know my stepdad wouldn't keep his mouth shut if you held a gun to his head, so I can run through a decent simulation of that, but my biological dad? That, I can't even think about.

As much as they annoy the living shit out of me, and as much as I value being my own person, I wouldn't be able to take my family's disapproval. I want them to be proud of me. There are a lot of times when, especially with my mom, I feel like I'm a source of embarrassment on some level. I'm not like my mom's friends' kids in any way. They're predominantly A-students and straight-laced to the point of being boring, and I'm a B-student at best (I had a few subjects I excelled in and I was pretty shit at everything else) and I'm artistic, both in personality and appearance. I'm not a "go-getter". At ALL.

Even if it was a normal, healthy, loving relationship, I feel like it would probably kill my mom on the inside if I dated a man more than five years my senior. And that, in turn, would kill me on the inside because it's what I want and I don't want to disappoint anybody.

It's not so much that I'm afraid of being judged- I get that all the time so I'm used to it- but I can't stand the thought of seeing that look of, "Where in God's name did I fuck up to make this shit happen?" on my mom's face. She's told me that she doesn't really care if I ever have kids (which I hope is true because I'm not entirely sure I want them, and if I do ever raise children they'll be adopted, or stepchildren) and she's been accepting of so many things I've done. I mean, how many parents actually say you did the right thing when you tell them you want to go to beauty school? Most people just see it as a last resort or something you do when you're too dumb to do anything else, but both my parents were incredibly supportive. And once she got used to the idea, she relented and said that while she didn't like that I had a tattoo (I have a Vegvisir*, a kind of Viking compass, on my left shoulder), at least it wasn't huge. I want more of them, but I don't want to be covered in ink. Side note- my next, when I can afford it, will be a flock of Ralph Steadman-style bats on my wrist, a la Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas cos it's one of my favorite movies (and books!) and I'm sort of obsessed with bats. And octopi, and birds, and mechanical stuff, and jewelry that looks like plants. But that's another blog post.

Sorry, got a little off-topic there.

Anyway... I guess I won't know what's going to happen until it happens. But that won't stop me from worrying about it.

* Here are pictures: 

The text roughly translates to "Whoever this character will not get lost in the storm or being outside and find their way as the young unknown, however" which is HORRIBLY translated. I would have written it as "Sá sem klæðist þessu starfi, skulu aldrei vera glataður í hvaða stormur", or, "Whoever wears this character shall never be lost in any storm".

Yes. I'm an Icelandic geek. Sue me.

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