Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Stress. It fucking BLOWS.

Today, I spent my day out of the house (our AC is out AGAIN, damn it!) and followed up on a few applications. It went alright- I got leads from Victoria's Secret and Fusion, the salon I interviewed at a week and a half ago. But I'm a bit confused about Toys R Us. I went in to ask to speak with someone about an interview, and I left my name and number. The customer service girl made a note that I had come in rather than just call.

The confusing part? When I checked my email a few hours later, I had gotten a message from the website basically telling me my application had been rejected. So I don't know what's up with that. I don't really want to work in a damn toy store with a bunch of screaming kids running around all day, but I'm tired of being yelled at for being unemployed even though I AM trying.


In other news, I got Sin City in the mail from Netflix today, but since it's hotter than the seventh circle of Hell in my room, I couldn't sit there long enough to watch it. Hopefully the repair guy will show up tomorrow and I can enjoy myself properly, later, though, because it's obviously a late night sort of movie. Besides, I can't watch a gory movie like that when I feel all puky and gross. I might actually throw up.

So instead, while my mom and my stepdad were out with friends, I ate pizza and watched Kick-Ass in the living room. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. But then I got to thinking, and I remembered that Aaron Johnson, the angel-faced 20-year-old that played Kick-Ass, is engaged to a woman 23 years older than he is and they're expecting a baby. I feel kinda bad for him in a way, because as happy as he thinks he is now, he's not going to enjoy his life the way someone his age should. He's only two weeks shy of being EXACTLY one year younger than me. Sometimes I feel a million years old, and sometimes I feel so stupid and inexperienced that I can't imagine having kids anytime soon.

And yet three of my friends have either married or had kids or both since graduating high school. Greenie was the first. She found out she was pregnant about two months after I moved away in 2007. Her son is just over two years old now. And then another friend of ours decided, after only about six months of dating, she and her boyfriend were ready to have a baby together. Her daughter is almost two. And now Pinkie is going to have a baby in a few short months. With a convicted felon.

The only one I'm worried about at this point in Pinkie. I hate, HATE her boyfriend. I tried to get along with him, tried to be nice, and all he did was treat her like shit so now I don't care. I hope the cops catch up with him and he gets murdered in prison, or better yet, becomes some lifer's permanent bitch. He thinks that all we do when we talk is bitch about him. Conceited. And this asshole thinks that I am the immature one.

I can't even get my best friend on the phone to talk to her. To see how she's doing, to talk about the fact that I'm having a hard time right now too. But nobody fucking cares. I've spent my life listening to everyone else's problems and being the best friend that I could, but as soon as I need somebody everyone fucking disappears. It's tiring because when I'm sitting in my room alone feeling like I need to have a good screaming fit but I can't because everyone else is home, all I can think about is the fact that if I were to try and tell someone about it, no matter who it was, I would see one of three things happen:

1. I would be told I was being dramatic and I needed to get over it
2. my problems would be laughed off because for some reason my thoughts and feelings mean nothing
3. my calls would be ignored completely

I don't understand it. Why doesn't my life matter? I care what happens to other people, why don't they care what happens to me? I know I don't have much going on right now, but I've got a lot of psychological stuff I'm trying to deal with and I could use some help.

I know I'm getting upset about something that happens to a lot of people. I can't help it.


  1. You seem like a very passionate person to me. We're so much alike, haha. I feel the same way. Sometimes, I get so down about it that I could cry, but then... Well, I realize that I'm nearing my period and I'm just being overly sensitive. I'm not saying that this is the case with you, though. It's hard to always be the listener.

    Just a thought... If you ever want to instant message sometime, shoot me an email and I'll give you my screen name. I spend my fucking life online and I'm always willing to listen. :)

  2. I've been PMS-ing for about a week and a half. It's driving me up the damned walls. I had it out with my mom AND my brother earlier and cried for about two minutes, then popped a DVD in and promptly forgot about it. I'm like a two-year-old that way. :p

    I finally got hold of Pinkie. She's been busting her poor, tired, pregnant ass over at Master Cuts, and her dad just had surgery, so that might have been why I couldn't get hold of her.

    Sure, I'll email you sometime. Thanks for the offer!