I've Been Thinking a Lot Today.

I got to talk to Pinkie today, for about two hours, and we got to talking about guys. Again.

She complained a bit about hers, and listened to me complain a bit about my lack thereof. Long as we've known each other, she knows I would give anything just to have somebody to bitch about. She told me about the old Canadian guy that her boyfriend had invited to move in without really asking her, and that he was talking about having his ugly, misbehaving kids come to spend a weekend with him in their trailer. I said, "Some people just shouldn't be allowed to breed. I mean, it's not like I have the greatest set of genes to pass on but that's mostly because of health-related issues." And then I had a thought.

"Maybe it would be best for me to just find somebody older. Like, who had kids really young and he's divorced. Being a stepmom would be just as good, right?"

I think that's what I want. I'd probably have to wait a few years to work that out, but it seems ideal. I had already, about six months ago, decided to adopt rather than have children of my own. For a number of reasons:

1. I have a long list of small-ish health problems, but they're overwhelming when combined. I have issues with my digestion (I barely ate any dairy at all for about six years before that problem just vanished suddenly), a lot of ridiculous allergies (SOAP!? Really?), eczema, and a bad back. I don't want my child (or children) to grow up the way I did, having to explain to your best friend that you can't eat that ice cream cake or you'll be sick, or always walking around with either a sinus headache or snot dripping out of your nose, or scratching bits of your skin off in your sleep because you itch so badly, or hurting all the time because of the curve in your spine. God forbid they end up with asthma like my brother did.

2. There are so many children in this country that need to be adopted. If their parents didn't want them, I'll take them. They deserve love, too.

3. I'm afraid pregnancy might literally kill me. I'm sick or in pain all the time as it is, I can't imagine what it would be like, especially in the third trimester. Not to mention all the problems my mom had; she had five miscarriages before she got pregnant with me. I don't think I could handle one, let alone five. And the only reason I managed to stick around was because she got progesterone shots all the time. Reproductive problems (along with crazy) run on that side of my family and I'd rather just avoid it. I'll probably end up getting a hysterectomy before I'm sixty anyway.

I'm only twenty-one but I think about my future constantly. Although, one could say I'm getting a bit ahead of myself because I've never even been on a date before, let alone had a boyfriend. I've been in love, but that caused me nothing but pain.

Still, I remain optimistic and I hope that one day I'll have someone who can look at me and say, "You know, you're a bit funny in the head and you're probably the most neurotic mess I've ever seen, but I love you all the same." I know I'll never be a Grade-A piece of meat but I'd hope that I have more to offer than that. I'm always trying to learn new things, whether it be job-related (like getting technique DVDs for cuts and styles or attending makeup demos at the MAC counter) or just a new hobby (I make jewelry, crochet badly, and am currently trying to teach myself Icelandic and Finnish). I'm a total geek that loves more than anything to read, watch movies, and listen to music and then talk about it with my friends. Seriously, if I watch a movie and love it, everyone knows. I recently watched 21 Grams and didn't shut up about it for a week. Mostly because, I know it's supposed to be tragic and he's a convict and all that, but Jack Jordan (Benicio Del Toro) is so sexy in that movie. There's real sadness in his jade-green eyes, and I found myself wanting to stroke his thick gray hair (which looked like he cut it himself) and tell him it would be alright. And that sex scene with Melissa Leo? It was tasteful and really sexy up until it went back to being sad again. Something you can't say about the one with Sean Penn and Naomi Watts.

Um... What was I talking about..? Oh yeah...
That's what makes Valentine's Day so difficult for me. Not the fact that I don't have anyone to spend it with, but the constant reminders from everyone around me that supposedly you're some pathetic loser if you're alone and don't have anyone showering you with gifts. To me, it would otherwise just be another day. I don't care. I'll be alright until I find what I'm looking for. I just wish everybody didn't feel the need to make me feel like shit and remind me that I should be lonely, which makes me feel very lonely. Thanks, assholes, seriously.