Damn it all!

I have ONE WEEK LEFT to get my shit cleaned up. I can't believe it's taken me so long, I hate myself for procrastinating!

Why have I got to do this? Because my stepdad is putting the house on the market. And I'm really awful about not putting things away. I wish my mom had just let me keep everything packed away when I moved back because I knew this was a possibility. I'm SO STUPID!

I have to really force myself to work tomorrow. I'm sure I can get this done in two or three days if I force myself. I just have to make myself start. I'm like this with exercise too.

I've also been looking at esthetics schools in Atlanta, and I have a couple of places to look at in a few weeks when we're up there. I hope I can get a paycheck in before then, but I'm not holding my breath because EVERYBODY at the store has worked except me. I've got to go back and beg Ann for some hours. Spring Break is starting this week and I'd like that to work to my advantage for once since I moved to this God-forsaken shithole of a tourist trap we call a city. I would rather live two doors down from Disney World in Orlando because at least I'd have more shit to do there. Here, it's always full of people and yet there is fuck all to do.

Why do people travel to Panama City? Why does anyone live here? Everyone goes on about us having "the world's most beautiful beaches" but that's a big pile of fly-ridden horseshit. Yeah, they're gorgeous under all the garbage and gigantic tourists in tiny bathing suits. Oh, and the huge gobs of seaweed. That's great. And we seem to attract the bottom of the barrel. Or, to quote Penny Arcade, "It's as if the bottom had its own barrel that dripped down into a sewer infested with rats." And the worst part is that the worst of the worst are from my home state, Georgia. Not all of them, but the rule is, they're fucking rude. And they don't seem to know how sunscreen works.

Enough ranting for now. I need to go to bed soon so I can get up and WORK. Damn it.

A Review- "Let England Shake" by Polly Jean Harvey

That's right, I'm reviewing an album. I won't do it often, just when something really strikes me and I feel like sharing my thoughts.

I was extremely excited when I heard about this record. I've been a PJ Harvey fan since I was fourteen and I've followed her closely ever since I got a copy of Uh Huh Her for my birthday. I immediately fell in love and within six months I'd bought nearly all her records.

This is an album I can imagine being a favorite, it's very rare that I like all the tracks on a CD. Her voice is different, her sound is different... I love it.

So... Let England Shake. I'll be going through track-by-track and giving my thoughts about each, rather than just summarizing it.

*****

1. "Let England Shake" - This song uses a sample from "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by Jimmy Kennedy and Nat Simon as the base for its melody, to surprisingly good results. It's bouncy and folky, but you can feel the darkness creeping in at the edges. It sets the tone perfectly and neither lulls you into false security, nor does it jar your nerves before dropping off.

2. "Last Living Rose" - It starts with a couple of low-end thumps on a guitar before slipping into a jangly, gorgeous melody. The first words are "Goddamn Europeans!", which strikes me as inordinately entertaining; she is British, after all. Short and sweet and full of sunlight, but bitter at the same time.

3. "The Glorious Land" - In the background of the hazy, gray-tinged sound, there's the bright trumpeting of a bugle, the sample interspersed throughout. The song is so evocative of the dank, foggy hills at night, in terms of the sound, and the words are so... sarcastic, almost disgusted. "How is our glorious country plowed? / Not by iron plows / Our land is plowed by tanks and feet / Feet marching".

4. "The Words That Maketh Murder" - One of my favorite tracks. Again, the bouncy, jangly music lies to you in terms of how dark the song is. "I have seen and done things I want to forget / Soldiers fell like lumps of meat". The background vocals are performed by John Parrish (awesome) and Mick Harvey (awesome-er) and the whole thing is just... perfect. The song ends with the vocals repeating, "What if I take my problem to the United Nations? / What if I take my problem to the youth of the nation?", joyous and horrific all at once. Amazing.

5. "All and Everyone" - I had an extreme reaction to this song. It chokes me up every time I hear it (even now, I'm listening to each track) and I'm not really sure why. The chorus until the very end is "As we advance in / In the sun / As we advance in / Every man", when it suddenly switches to "As we advance in / Sing 'Death to them all, every one' ", and tears start burning my eyes at that point. Something about this track makes me hear the ghosts of people who have died in battle and I don't like that. But at the same time, I would call this a standout track because it's so beautiful. I love it when things make me emote, force any kind of feeling out of me.

6. "On Battleship Hill" - This one is another shapeshifter. It starts off with a guitar melody that reminds of an overcast day in the summer, before suddenly becoming stark, just voice and low-end guitar, then moving back. It wouldn't sound out of place on the Bad Seeds' No More Shall We Part, but the theme is very different. "Cruel nature has won again" is repeated throughout, which is a phrase that resonated deeply with me. I just thought it sounded beautiful, and true, really.

7. "England" - Here, Miss Polly is trying her hand at yodeling, to interesting results, "I live and die through England". Probably the most folky of all the songs. She sings of people stagnating "like water or air" and expresses her "Undaunted, never-failing love for you / England / Is all to which I cling". Beautiful.

8. "In the Dark Places" - Not a million miles away from some of Uh Huh Her, but it's got its own energy. It's another song about men going to battle and not coming home, but that's the central theme of the entire album, so, no big deal.

9. "Bitter Branches" - The words here draw indirect comparisons between soldiers' arms and tree branches, which is interesting. It's very short and fades out with the words "Wave goodbye" repeating.

10. "Hanging in the Wire" - It's almost hard to realize that the words (poetically) are describing dead bodies hanging in barbed wire; "Just unburied ghosts / Hanging in the wire". This is where the quieter moments of Uh Huh Her meet White Chalk.

11. "Written on the Forehead" - This has another sample; "Blood and Fire" by Winston "Niney" Holness. This seems like it's more about England's invasion of another country, but I could be wrong. Either way, it's great.

12. "The Colour of Earth" - Another track with Parrish featured heavily. Or Mick Harvey, they sound similar. The words were inspired by a letter written by an actual soldier in the Gallipoli invasion, giving them more weight. It's a very compelling track.

*****

Okay, so there you have it. I hope I interest someone in giving this album a listen. Hell, give ALL her albums a listen.

It's records like this that make me so irritated when people compare Polly Harvey to Patti Smith. No. Just... No. She's a far superior artist- she's evolved more and produced a higher percentage of quality work since 1991 than Smith ever has since 1975. She's also a more appealing person and doesn't put politics into everything. I wouldn't call this a political album because it was largely inspired by wars that happened a long time ago and focuses more on her home country's involvement rather than war at large.

I would also like to say to every hyper-political musician that thinks everyone cares about their opinion: Shut the fuck up. Unless you're M.I.A. and you've actually seen some shit, just keep your mouth shut. I'm looking at YOU Green Day, and YOU, Pearl Jam, and especially YOU, Bono. Get over yourselves.

Anyway... There it is. I strongly recommend this album. Check it out.

Honestly, I'm kind of surprised.

I was expecting to be super-angry and depressed today, it being Valentine's Day, my least favorite day of the year.

It's so weird. Maybe it's because I had something to look forward to- a new PJ Harvey album called Let England Shake is coming out tomorrow!

Pictured: Awesomeness!

Maybe it's because I've been pre-occupied with other shitty things that have been going on. I don't know.

Last year, though... that shit was ROUGH. Literally every customer in the store, in addition to all my co-workers, constantly reminding me of everything I wanted and (seemingly) couldn't have. I was lonely, I still am. I just didn't have it constantly shoved down my throat the way I would have had I been working recently, I guess. I was allowed to forget about it.

Although, truth be told, I still wish this stupid, commercial holiday would go away. Seriously, if you need a special day to tell others that you love them, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU. AND YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

In closing... I hope at least somebody enjoyed today.

That's all for now. PEACE OUT, Y'ALL!  (<--- bad Futurama reference)

I should probably just give up now.

So, out of desperation, I checked Pinkie's Myspace page and saw that she'd been on about a week before. I sent her a message on February 1st so that maybe I'd be able to open some kind of communication with her. I've been worried sick for nearly five months and not one call has been returned, all thirty-odd voicemails have gone unanswered... I want to know what's going on. I logged on last night to see if she'd replied, and she read the message and didn't send anything back.

I know it's stupid, but I guess I keep hoping that maybe I'll have one friend in Georgia when I move back that doesn't work constantly and isn't about to leave the country. Apparently that's too much to ask.

I mean... What, does she just not want to be friends anymore? Would it have been so hard to hit reply and type "bitch, stop calling me"? Or to dial my number (which is in her contact book in her phone) and tell me that? I know she's got that, whatdoyoucallit... baby, but thirty seconds is all it would take.

Maybe her parents or her fiancee (God, it makes me so ill to even think about that) are policing what she does, controlling her phone use. It's happened before. Her mom used to get on her Myspace and monitor her activity like she was an unruly twelve-year-old. Her fiancee (*barf*) sees her as a possession. She dug herself quite a hole.

I know, I know, I should just give up. I just feel like I worked really hard to keep that friendship going and I don't want to let go of it. And I'm so tired of having to work that hard. Having to keep doing favors for people just so they won't leave me. Not that I really mind doing things for people, I just hate feeling like it's necessary in order to keep people around. Driving people around, giving them stuff (usually things I don't want anymore or things I lend that just never get returned), occasionally buying their food... It gets tiring. Especially when you make less money than they do but somehow end up spending more on them than they do on themselves when you're out.

As if this week didn't suck enough.


That's all for now, but expect a mega-rant on Valentine's Day. I've got enough bile to fill an ocean at the moment.

I knew I loved her!

"I think everyone’s bisexual to some degree or another; it’s just a question of whether or not you choose to recognize it and embrace it. Personally, I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavours."

-Bjork

My sentiments exactly!

What a cool lady. I always admired how upfront she was about her sexuality. She talked about it, wrote about it, and made no secrets about it. One of her videos, "Pagan Poetry", featured footage of her and her boyfriend Matthew Barney (awesome artist, by the way) having sex, animated over with white and black lines and made abstract;

Once you know what it is, it's kind of obvious, but I went YEARS without figuring that out. Me being naive and inexperienced might have something to do with it.

Anyway... This is basically a filler post, but I thought I should write something, so... mission accomplished!

I've been lazy about posting lately.

I can't believe I did it, but- after spending about $20 on nail polish in the past two weeks (I wish I was kidding but I'm not)- I broke down and placed a couple of small orders.

I'm still waiting on packages from Meow Cosmetics, Evil Shades, Shiro Cosmetics, and One Hand Washes the Other, and now I've got stuff from Fyrinnae (which I'm admittedly excited about, I can't wait to see if it lives up to the hype) and Aromaleigh (LAST ORDER EVER) coming.

And after that, unless it's some super-amazing deal or I get a windfall in some form or I get a new job, I'm putting myself on a makeup-buying freeze. I have $260 to my name and I'd like to stretch that a bit more just so I feel a little secure.

So why, after losing my regular job, did I order all this stuff? Well, it sounds like more than it is, so let me try and rationalize this for my own conscience:

1.  Meow Cosmetics- It's all samples. All of it. Thirty-something samples. I should get it this week.

2. Evil Shades- I got one full-size eyeshadow, one Hardcore lipgloss, and a sample of their Deviant lipstick. Less than $20.

3. Shiro Cosmetics- I got ten samples and five of her new colored lip balms, the Intertubes. I wanted to get some new colors to try and I thought the Intertubes would be good for summer so I don't have to wear gooey lipgloss all the time.

4. One Hand Washes the Other- More tinted, glittery, gorgeous lip balms. I had three already that I loved, and I decided to get some more. There's one color I don't have that I want, in lavender. I also got a sample of her Black Magic soap to test drive.

5. Aromaleigh- A "rainbow" grab bag- she had some color-coded bags listed on her website with tons of pretty things inside them and I thought, what the Hell. I love my Aromaleigh shadows.

6. Fyrinnae- I have wanted to try this stuff since I first heard about it. Especially the Pixie Epoxy. So I ordered four samples, the full-size epoxy, and a full-size lip lustre.


So... there you have it. I think I can hold off for a while with all that coming to me.

In other news, I started a diet so maybe at least by this time next year I'll weigh what I'm supposed to. I've been cheating a little but as long as I'm eating better than I was I think I'll be alright.

Anyway...


That's all I've really got right now. Later.

I really should've seen this coming.

I lost my job today.

Just before I finished getting ready to leave for work, I got a call from a girl at the salon. She told me that my boss was on the phone but I needed to come get my stuff because they were letting me go.

I had a meltdown on the way there and talked to my boss before I did anything. She told me that I needed to be an assistant, but nobody was willing to take one, for whatever reason. She would've taken me had she not already had an assistant, and two more waiting. It'll be a year before she's freed up, and I need help NOW. Really, really badly. I know I'm not a great stylist and I probably never will be, but I at least want to be decent and in order to get there I need serious education.

This blows. I really felt like I could've gotten the help I needed there and they don't have the money to pay me or anyone who will teach me. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'm so tired of trying to look for a job doing something that I know I'm not that good at.

Sometimes I think I should just quit. Just be a minimum-wage slave for the rest of my life. It sure as Hell would involve a lot less rejection and heartache. I'll admit it, I'm a wimp. I'm a total quitter. At least I admit it.

I'm thinking of trying to find a job at Disney World. It seems like it would be a lot of fun. Sure, there would be screaming kids everywhere, but it's a big park and when I was there in October there was a surprising... quietness, despite the large number of people there. Even if I was just serving hot dogs at the Hollywood Studios park, or selling merch at Downtown Disney, I think I'd be much happier than I am now, swimming against an impossible current. So I've signed up to get email alerts about new jobs. I don't have enough keeping me here in Panama City, and hey, if you get far enough (like, ten minutes worth of driving) away from the theme parks, Orlando is almost exactly like Marietta, GA, where I spent five years of my life.

Maybe that will work out. Nothing else seems to, but maybe if the job isn't too demanding, I can handle it.

On mistakes and movie theatre etiquette

Well, I had a trying day.

I have to return the clippers that I bought because they only came with two guards- apparently whoever made the decision about the whole package thought it a good idea to include a shitty pair of shears and a ton of clipper oil but only enough guard combs to do a high-and-tight, a military cut. HOW did I not see that beforehand, on the box? So I'm taking the stupid things back on Monday, since I have to work tomorrow and the next day, and I won't be getting off work until the place is closed.

On top of that, I did NOTHING. All. Day. Long. No walk-ins on a Thursday is INSANE.

Anyway...

Yesterday, I went to see Black Swan and I have two words:

HOLY. SHIT.

That was the most intense, frightening movie I've ever seen. It was incredible and if SOMEONE involved doesn't walk home with an Oscar I'll be very surprised. Natalie Portman... I've always known she was talented but she really blew my mind. And Mila Kunis left That 70's Show in the dust years ago, but this just cements her place in Hollywood. I think we can expect great things from her. Even Winona Ryder was decent.

The opening scene is EXTREMELY important. It's a dream sequence, like much of the movie is, where Nina (Natalie Portman) is dancing the part of the White Swan and transforming into the Black Swan. This part, I will admit, choked me up for some reason. It was visually beautiful and that on top of the music just wound me up somehow. But there are clues where you can pick up on things that happen later (no spoilers, sorry, you'll have to watch!) and I felt physically ill through most of the film, for a number of reasons. It's very rare that my concentration is held through an entire movie, but I didn't drift AT ALL. I couldn't, for the same reason you can't look away from a train wreck. And upon leaving the theatre, I felt haunted and really shaken in a way I hadn't been in a long time. Please, put aside all the hype, and go see this amazing movie. It's truly an experience.

But I'd like to take this opportunity to address something about the movie-going experience (lame term, I know) that has bothered me for ages, and a lot, because I see movies all the time, as my reader(s) may or may not know. I haven't felt so frustrated by my fellow audience members since I saw Across the Universe and heard people laughing during that depressing "Let it Be" sequence where the kid dies. Yesterday, I had an older couple sitting behind me, which, first off, Black Swan isn't a movie that's aimed at an older crowd. I know for a fact that they paid less than me (they were ahead of me in line and got the senior discount) so why they felt it was alright to talk the whole time, when the rest of us had paid more and were trying to pay attention, I have no idea. I haven't had to ask anyone to be quiet in a VERY long time. The man was hacking up half of one of his lungs, SOMEBODY was crossing and uncrossing their legs and kicking the entire row of seats... Ugh.

And no, I couldn't move. In the smaller theatres, which are still large, there's more of an incline and I only have a three-row window where I'll still be able to see because if I'm too close, I have to crane my neck and I get a massive headache, and if I'm too far up, it's like watching a TV screen. Not to mention my farsightedness that makes things... complicated, especially in 3-D movies (but that's another post).

So anyway, pretty much everyone else was acting like a douche canoe and talking and laughing at the end, which... I mean, even if you thought it was ridiculous, there was nothing funny. Nothing. It wasn't like The Last of the Mohicans (*puke*) where that girl jumps off a cliff for no reason.

I don't know, maybe I was just all hormonal and ultra-sensitive, but I was pissed. It's like interrupting someone while they're meditating- I'm trying to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel everything that I can, and I like to immerse myself fully into whatever I'm watching. When that gets disrupted, repeatedly... I'm not a happy camper.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. Later.

What a day...

Ugh. I thought I was going to lose my job today.

I went in for a totally optional makeup class at the salon this morning, and it was fun, what little we actually got to do- it was just me, the makeup girl (also my boss' twin sister), and three girls that were already there. After we'd disbanded, my boss called me into her office to discuss a haircut she'd had to intercept on Friday. I hadn't done a swing bob in the better part of a year and I had already asked for help doing a style, I thought I should at least try to do it on my own. This woman had monstrously thick hair (made mine look thin by comparison, and my friends at school referred to my hair as my "pelt" cos it was so thick) and for some reason I didn't think to shampoo her hair and blow-dry it straight before attempting this ridiculous haircut.

Anyway, it ended up a bit too short and the client actually had to come back in to get it worked on some more the next day. I felt terrible and actually had a screaming, crying, fist-pounding breakdown while I was driving home. I was so scared that I was going to get fired, because I'm used to fearing for my job.

The boss-lady was super nice about everything and made a point to tell me that I wasn't in trouble, because 1) she knew I was trying my hardest, 2) she felt I could be taught, and 3) that's a really hard cut to do. It's really big around here so I'll probably get plenty of practice, but I've only done it maybe three or four times before. I told her that I had been worrying about it, thinking I was going to get fired, and that the only reason it upset me was that I like it there. Which is, without a doubt, 100% true. I feel so lucky to be there, I've only worked at that salon for two weeks and I already have formed more of a connection there than I did the entire time I worked at Trade Secret. I would be so horrified if I lost that job.

She and I talked for a few more minutes before I left, feeling a lot better about my situation. I couldn't ask for a better scenario than the one I've found- education is a big thing there and that's exactly what I need. And everyone's so nice, I could probably ask anyone for help and they'd gladly do what they could.

So... There was that.

I also, while running some errands after all that, thought about what to do with my hair. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be at Bath and Body Works and my hair grows crazy-fast, so I think I'll be working up some designs for future haircolor- I want to dye some of my hair, not much, blue-black, and maybe put a chunk of Enchanted Forest back in there because that is my absolute favorite color EVER and I was so sad to dye over it. I'm sure I'll have a few minutes while at work tomorrow to sketch some things out.

Anyway... That's about it. I'll post again when I have more to say.

Well, I have some news!

I am currently typing on my new laptop that my dad got me for Christmas! I'm so excited, it even has a webcam!

When I get done installing everything and setting things up, I'll write more.