I hate everything right now.

Seriously, I want to know when and why I became everyone's bitch. It's been like that for years but I'm really getting fucking sick of it.

Yesterday, I had a client. Not unusual. It was a microcurrent treatment, which isn't difficult but the machine we have is needlessly complicated (I've seen others that only had a few buttons, this one has about fifty) so I'm a little shaky on how to work it. My client had two dental screws in her mouth, which should've counted her out for the treatment automatically, according to what we're taught, but I was told to go ahead with it (although my teachers both said they wouldn't have done the treatment if it was up to them). Someone must've had the owner come in and check on me, because she came in and informed me that the machine wasn't on. Well, it was, the current just wasn't on (like I said, needlessly complicated). After she left, I re-did everything, following the protocols to the letter, and my client kept saying she couldn't feel anything. But we're taught that clients are liars and they'll say things like that so that you give them more. Besides, I was afraid I would hurt her if I turned it up... I didn't want to send electricity through her metal implants and blow them out of her face or something.

After I finished the treatment, I went to the school's owner and asked what I should do, and she chewed me out in front of her class about how she was going to have to comp the service. She said, "You would know more about the machines if you didn't sit on your ass all the time and not take services!"

Um... Excuse me?

First of all, it's incredibly unprofessional to yell at a student in a room full of other students. Second, I do take services. I may go one or two days a week out of the five I'm there without getting anything, but I'm part-time. Of course I won't have as much to do. And you know, I would like to attend class once in a while, because we may not be tested on what we're learning now, but it's useful information.

And this morning, she cornered me and asked me why I didn't like taking services. I didn't know what to say, so I just didn't say anything. It's hard to stand up to a bi-polar drunk who can and will find some bullshit reason to expell you if she decides she doesn't want to deal with you anymore. She also gave me shit about leaving early on Saturdays- I'm supposed to be there until 4PM because I'm part-time, but I leave earlier at 1PM because fuck that noise, I get there early every day and I have more hours than most of the full-time students in my class. Why shouldn't I fucking leave? Especially if I've already taken a client and done my part.

Why doesn't she ever go bitch at my classmates who never show up? Or the ones who never take clients at all? Why have I got to be the one she decides to shit on? I'm there every Goddamned day the school is open, with the exception of a few days here and there when I was sick or had an emergency or my family was visiting. I have never outright refused a client- I may not leap up and beg for something when the receptionist brings the client sheets in, but I do take what I'm given. I have shown distaste in front of her before (which is when all this shit started), when I was handed a cellulite treatment to do and I didn't even say no, I just cringed a little. Why? Because my hands are pre-arthritic and I can't find my wrist brace. She have that client to someone else (after tearing me a new asshole, of course), but I took another one a couple of hours later, and I could hardly hold onto my steering wheel when I drove home. My hands were so stiff and painful that I was in tears. It's getting worse, too- my wrists and knuckles crack when I'm working on clients all the time, whether I take a moment to crack them before the service or not. Nobody's complained so far, but I know they can hear it.

I made a mistake. I have no problem admitting that. But I felt I was doing the right thing in regards to my client's safety and I can't believe I'm being punished for it. Don't they teach us to make our own calls? And I got a second and third opinion, all of us agreed it was probably best to either not do the service or to take it easy. It's all about money with that woman, she could give two shits about how good we are past how much dough she can rake in on our blood, sweat, and tears.

I cannot wait to graduate and never have to touch this paramedical shit again. I hate using machines, I hate chemical peels... I didn't get into this so I could be someone's doctor. I just want to help people relax. It's what I'm good at, it's what I love. I care absolutely nothing about burning people's faces off with chemicals or sandblasting their skin or laser resurfacing or any of that bullshit.

See, this is why I never confide in anyone.

Earlier today, I was having a conversation with a friend, and I mentioned that I have a new obsession. Nothing new for me, I cycle through them all the time. But when I told her who it was, she made fun of me.

See, I barely understand it myself... I just came to realize this last weekend, while I was driving home from meeting my mom and getting my car back (I had some minor repairs done after a minor accident) and I've been like a giggly schoolgirl ever since... But it's my sexuality and I can't really control it, much as I've tried.

Oh, and... It's Benedict Cumberbatch.

Yep, you heard me. I'm a Cumberbitch.

I know he's strange-looking. In my own words, he's like an alien disguised as a human, only he doesn't have a real grasp of how humans are supposed to look. But he's so talented, and funny, and incredibly sweet... And upon reflection, maybe this is just my weird sense of aesthetics, I actually think there's something quite beautiful about him. Something about the off-putting structure of his face is appealing to me, and it's so hard to put my finger on.

Let's break it down and take a closer look at his face, shall we?

(Sorry it's another GIF, this is the best shot of his face I have)

1. Great eyes. I mean, look at them, they're fucking gorgeous and he's got amazing eyelashes.
2. High, extremely prominent cheekbones.
3. Very pink, nicely-shaped lips.
4. Curly hair. I have a serious thing for curls, and I don't really know why, I just like them.
5. He's a natural redhead, and it looks way better on him than the dark brown hair he sports in Sherlock Holmes (the BBC1 series, not the Guy Ritchie movies). You can see it in his eyebrows.

Overall, he's very British-looking, much the same way Matt Smith, David Bowie are, with a slight alien edge to it. Not a bad effect, really, but it's an acquired taste for sure.

Also up for consideration: This video of Benedict reading the children's book, The Little Red Hen, which I remembered from my childhood and I was delighted to hear him read in his very, VERY sexy voice.

I should be used to this by now. But I've never seen anyone get visibly disgusted like that when I mentioned someone I'm attracted to. He's not exactly Brad Pitt, but he works for me. And to be honest, I would be proud if I found someone like Benedict. Hopefully he would be proud of me, too... or at least not embarrassed to be seen in public with this clingy, needy weirdo who wears green lipstick and dyes her hair gray. I would be happy to do that well.

I hope I don't get shit if I do find somebody and he's not to everyone's tastes... That would be heartbreaking.

But honestly, I think this all started because my hormones have been so fucked-up recently. The birth control isn't really helping anymore, and I need to see a doctor up here and try to find another way to control my PCOS. One that won't accelerate weight gain and will keep me in check a little... I'm tired of either being depressed or raging horny all the time. There has to be something better.

It's really getting bad. I had a cyst burst when I was driving home one day, and I honestly thought I was going to die because either it was going to kill me right then or I was going to inadvertently drive off the highway. The pain was incredible... I've only cried from pain six, maybe seven times in my entire life and I was screaming and crying. Not just crying out, like full-on, death metal screaming. It was terrifying. Pain and nausea for about ten straight minutes while my entire torso felt like it was in a vise. Not fun.

But when stuff like that isn't happening, I'm out-of-control horny and I think about sex constantly. It's always there, in the upper recesses of my mind, and I have to work to push it down when I'm with clients because I could end up giving them a weird kind of energy and that wouldn't be good. Especially with male clients, there are already so many other ways that can turn awkward...

And I hate it that, when I'm having an alright day and I have a new thing I want to share with someone, they have to knock me down and tell me it's weird. God forbid I shouldn't want to go vanilla. I hear women in my class talk about dumb apes like Channing "Worst Actor in Hollywood" Tatum and Tim "I Make a Mockery of Real Prayer in the Name of Sports" Tebow, but the second I mention anyone with something interesting about their looks, anyone who doesn't fit the mask, I get jumped on like I'm some sort of freak.

Fuck it, though... In my mind, Benedict is some of the best I've ever had.

It's been a while, right?

Sorry, readers that don't exist, I've been busy lately. School is eating my brain but hopefully the pressure will go down once I actually make it to Level 3.

I've been having a lot more body image issues lately... Mostly because I sit in a room full of gorgeous women every day, hearing most of them complain about how they need to lose five pounds and they're so fat and disgusting... Thing is, I have way more than five pounds to lose. So if they all think they're so gross, God knows what they must think of me.

I can't afford to eat well, either, because I still haven't found a job. I live on macaroni and cheese, cereal, and hot dogs. It's not a good diet. And by the time I get out of school in the afternoons, I'm so exhausted because I don't sleep more than a few hours at a time, so I end up just sleeping for a while when I get home. So my main source of exercise is running around the school 20 times a day trying to find product and clean things up and all that, which is decent but it doesn't seem to do much.

I really need to make myself start doing yoga again. And I really want to get into bellydancing, once my flexibility is back up. My resolution this year is to make more of a real effort to get fit, because I know I'm capable of losing the weight, I just lose motivation because it feels like nobody but me cares. The only reason I think it matters to others is because people are nicer to you when you're thin. When you're larger, people act as if they're afraid they're going to catch your fatness. It's sad.

But hopefully at least after I pass my State Board test I can get a decent job and can afford better food. I doubt anyone's going to hire me knowing that I'll be graduating in four, maybe five months. We'll see.

I might explode from all the cuteness! Allow me to gush for a moment!

Okay, so, I was sad a few months ago when Benicio Del Toro, AKA my future husband (ha, in my dreams, of course) announced that Kimberly Stewart, daughter of Rod Stewart, was pregnant with his child after a short fling. I was disappointed, but eventually I realized that he's a human being too and just as susceptible to things like this as anyone else. So after a while I was just waiting to see his baby when he or she was born.

She arrived in August, and her name is Delilah. We've only just now gotten pictures of her (in the UK celebrity rag Hello), and she. Is. A. DOLL.

Just look at her! She looks just like her daddy (he said recently he thinks she looks like his mother, but some of his family thinks she looks like his father, who I think he really resembles). She's got his eyes (in blue, instead of hazel) and his nose.

I have to hand it to Kim, this is the first time she's really made anything public. She kept a low profile, probably at Beni's request, and she didn't immediately just go out and start selling pictures. She waited a couple of months, which was really surprising, given that she's been prone to fame-whoring in the past.

But still, what a little angel. And in the original article (found here) Kim says that Beni is very involved, which is awesome. It makes my fangirl heart pound.

Holy crap, another giveaway!

The Crow and the Powderpuff has reached 1000 followers, so there's a massive giveaway to be entered, including samples from MAC, Fyrinnae, Sugarpill, and some lippies from Morgana Cryptoria! Check it out here!

Another sweet giveaway!

The Crow and the Powderpuff is giving away some pretty great stuff- two Wet N'Wild palettes, a full-sized Sugarpill shadow, and some other goodies that are way awesome!

Check it out here: http://ladycrowx.blogspot.com/2011/09/september-giveaway-just-because-i-love.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheCrowAndThePowderpuff+%28The+Crow+and+the+powderpuff%29

Long time, no posting.

I've been in a weird mood lately. I'm so easily depressed at the moment... I have no idea if it's some sort of hormonal imbalance, or a side effect of my birth control, or what.

It feels like I cry all the time. Just tonight, I was on the phone with my mom, telling her I found these two prints I had ordered for her a few years ago for Christmas that had ended up with my stuff... and I've had them for a long time. They've been in my room for AT LEAST two years, and I've always known my stepdad didn't want them in the living room or the kitchen because they "didn't match", which is laughable because that is the most schizophrenic design scheme I've ever seen- beach stuff, wine stuff, Italy stuff, classical statues, vintage things... Yeah. Some motif he's got going on in there.

But tonight, it seemed so much worse... Yeah, it's always hurt that my present for my mom wasn't good enough and I ended up with it, but this is the first time I've mentioned it. Somehow I just couldn't keep from saying something... My mom didn't even remember, she had to think about it for a minute because it had been so long since she'd seen either picture. It's a small thing, not really important, but it kind of hurts to think that a gift bought out of love wouldn't be good enough to be displayed with stuff bought at a yard sale.

Anyway... End rant.

People suck.

Okay, so I must have missed a memo or something because when did it become alright to make fun of people in public?

Today was a pretty quiet day. I got up early, hung out for a few hours, saw a movie, and went to the store to pick up a couple of things. I chose to wear a black and white lace dress, black leggings, my everyday shoes. My makeup was pretty simple- sheer, white eyeshadow with multicolored sparkles, black eyeliner, and shimmery blue lipgloss. I didn't choose a blue lippie to "be different", attract attention, scare children, or anything. I simply wanted to wear this really cool color that I'd never worn in public; I'd only ever played with it at home.

I got some stares. That's okay, blue lips aren't something you see every day. A little girl freaked out when she saw me, that's okay too. It was cute so I let it slide.

What got to me was this grown woman pointing me out to her friend and quietly laughing at me. While I was looking right at her and could plainly see what she was doing. Now, I realize that I had something weird on my face, but that doesn't give her license to make fun of me. I didn't point and laugh at her because she was wearing pyjamas in public. I wouldn't stoop that low.

I'd been totally fine up until that moment. But the second I realized someone was ridiculing me, I couldn't help but feel a bit low.

Maybe I'm just tired. I do have to get up and go to school tomorrow.

If I have something else to say, I'll post it. Until then...

(Nearly) Everything is WRONG.

The last week has been... very trying, to say the least.

I've moved into my new house, I started at my new school today, and my fucking A/C unit is dead so I have to get that replaced... I would've appreciated knowing that before I sat there in a 95-degree house waiting for the repair guy to show up (I was told 2-6 PM, he showed up at 8:30 PM) all Goddamned day on Monday.

I've barely been eating. Just enough to keep me going. I don't do well in this heat and when it's oppressively hot no matter where you go or what you do, it's hard to even think about food without wanting to barf. I haven't slept more than 3-5 hours a night since my birthday. So for about a week I've been surviving on air and stress and less than I ate when I was five years old. Imagine how fun that's been.

Aside from all that... I think I'll like my new school. It's a tightly-run ship. The owner is very well-respected in the industry- she's helped design equipment and skincare lines all over the world. It's well worth the $7500 I'm paying to go there. Much more professional than my old school, and it's so clean and nice-looking.

I'm getting cable and internet installed on Saturday so I'll be able to post when I have something else to say. Until then.

Glitter is My Crack is having a giveaway!

Check it out here- Blix has got two full collections of eyeshadows (Shifty-Eyed and Murder Mystery) and a full collection of lipsticks (1920's), as well as some really cool jewelry she made herself.

http://themoonmaiden-blix.blogspot.com/2011/07/morgana-cryptoria-makeup-and-moon.html